Synacky - Fear

"I love you…"

That were the last words I heard from the phone. I was silent and the other side hung up.  What the hell? I put my phone away and wanted to smoke. So I went outside, my mind still blown. Fuck… why? Why?

I took my phone out of my pocket and dialed your number. I did this like five times because you wouldn't answer.

'Bri… I've got so much to say… I know you like Michelle… and I know you don't love me the way I love you… I know I have to give up on this… I know I have to give up on you… But I just want you to say something and I really mean it… I love you…'

Those were your words. I couldn't say anything. I was kinda shocked. I really want to see you right now. I really want to talk to you right now. Please… please pick up the phone!

Success!

"Uhm… Hi Bri…" I hear from the other side.

"Hi… Uhm… can we talk? I really need to see you right now…"

"Uhm… off course? You can come over if you want…"

"I'll be there in a minute" And I hung up. Good thing he lived not that far away from here. It almost literally took me a minute. Just a little bit longer.

In front of your door I almost wanted to turn away and run to my house. What if you were crying? I don't want you to be sad. I l-…

Your door swung open. I saw you. Your eyes were a little watery. I ran into you, gave you a hug. I still don't know why  I did this actually.

"Zack… you don't have to give up on me…" I whispered.

"But…"

"Shh…" I said, putting my finger on his lips. "Don't talk no more, let me do the talking."

He led me to the sofa were we sat down.

"I don't know how to say this… but… fuck… how to say this… Zack… I like you, I really fucking do. I just say I like Michelle because I don't want to be… you know… be called gay and such… It doesn't really match the way I look like… I mean… the way WE look like, right? We're full of tattoos, full of muscles and smoking and drinking all day. Back to the topic… I really like you Zack… and when I heard you liked me too, I almost died of happiness… but also of fear. Fear to love you. Not that I don't want to love you… but I'm scared to love you. I really want to hold you, hug you, kiss you… but I'm scared. I'm scared I can't love you the way I want to because of the people outside. I'm scared to love you because I don't want to get hurt when you leave me, or when you die. I'm so scared to love, Zack… I just can't! I've been hurt by this for so many times… I don't know if I'll get over this… I-"

That's where you hugged me tight and held me and shushed me and gave me kisses on my head. I almost started to cry. Fuck… I love you Zack…

"It's alright… It's alright… You don't have to love me if you're too scared. But maybe I can help you to get over it… so you won't be scared to love anymore. I'm not going to hurt you, absolutely NOT. I'm not going to leave you until I die, but then I'll take you with me so you won't be alone. But it's your choice…"

That's where I began to cry. I hugged you back. My eyeliner was all over my face, I was sure of that, but I didn't care. The only thing I cared about was holding you… cry out all my tears that I hold back for much too long.

"I j-j-just don't want to get h-hurt… because it h-hurts so much… I l-lost Jimmy… and you may s-still not know it… but he w-was everything to me… we were h-having a relationship… and I-I loved him so much… s-so much! It hurts, Zack… It hurts!"

Now you were silent. I expected this… No-one knew about the relationship Jimmy and I had. I never told anyone. You are the first one I tell. His death, right now around five years ago, was the worst thing that happened to me. Ever since that day I'm broken. I'm afraid to love, because I'm afraid to lose. And then you came into the sight of my heart. I didn't know my heart was still alive. I didn't know I could feel this way again. But when I'm with you, my heart feels warm again. And still… I'm afraid.

"Bri… I don't know what to say." I saw you were crying. "You… and Jimmy… Man you must feel awful… and… Fuck… I really don't know what to say… I'll… just… hold you…" And you did what you said.

I don't know for how long we just sat there… hugging… crying… holding… but when we looked outside, it was already dark. You stood up and said you were going to make us some food. Sounded like you were going to call for pizza. I don't care… I just told you everything… and you were still there for me.  I wanted to hug you again. Kiss you. But my fear keeps holding me back.

You came back… sat down next to me and hugged me again. I looked you into your eyes. You mumbled something about my eyeliner and laughed a bit, but I couldn't really hear it. It felt like I was being pushed by someone or something till I crushed into your lips. I don't know what it was, but it really felt like someone pushing me in my back. I didn't care anymore. Your lips were soft. I stopped. This was confusing. Again I felt like I was pushed again, and this time I could really feel a hand or something. It weren't your hands. Could it be? No… He told me to be happy and to go on with my live if something would ever happen to him… but this just can't be him…
Again I crushed into your lips. This time longer. You opened your mouth a bit and our tongues tangled together. Why am I doing this? I love you… but I'm scared… It's feels so great, my heart feels all warm again. At that moment I kinda lost my fear… and it felt like someone patted me on my shoulder. Now I really felt it… it was him… Jimmy… He really wanted me to be happy and he helped me with it… Jimmy… if I could just hug you right now… Thank you… Thank you so much…